December, Please Be Nice

December is on,,,

Beb, aku bersyukur buat apa yang sudah kita laluin sampai sekarang. Setelah perdebatan panjang dan pertengkaran2 kita, aku senang kita bisa baik2 lagi. Aku senang karena kamu bilang "Jangan tinggalin aku ya, let's fight together". Meskipun dibelakangnya kamu ngancam bahwa kalau aku tinggalin kamu, maka kamu ga akan pernah menyesalinya, ga akan pernah menangis buat aku, dan ga akan peduli. Aku senang karena pada akhirnya kamu bilang kalau kamu mau aku tetap ada disamping kamu.

And umm,,,i have plan to visit you in your town where you live now. I don't know whether it's gonna be okay or not, because i'm gonna have First Christmas with you but without my family. I don't know whether they will let me go to your town or not.

Tapi aku benar-benar ingin merayakan Natal sama kamu, bahkan aku senang karena aku berharap Natal ini aku gak akan lagi menangis, bahwa perasaan kita sudah lebih dekat lagi, lebih intim lagi dan kita sudah lebih sayang lagi satu sama lain, jadi seharusnya aku tidak lagi punya alasan to have a long face along this Christmas. 

Dua hari ini kamu ga bisa di hubungin, aku khawatir banget kamu berubah pikiran untuk tidak melanjutkan kesepakatan kita buat berjuang sama-sama. Aku juga khawatir kamu kenapa-kenapa karena bulan ini kamu belum terima gaji. Jangan-jangan kamu jual HP lagi. Dan aku ga akan cari kamu lagi lewat teman kamu itu. Karena kemarin waktu kita berantem besar dan paling parah itu, dia aku minta tolongin buat aku bisa hubungin kamu, eh, dia ga balas sms dan ga respon apa-apa. 

Tapi untunglah kamu sore ini sudah bisa sms aku, kamu jelasin kalau kamu sibuk kerja. Okay, i'll try to not be mad at you. 

Arghhhh

I never guess that the rejection could come this fast. The rejection by my parents of you that we shouldn't be together because i have my master degree and you have no degree at all. Actually what my parents think is how someone so irresponsible not to finish his study while he can. Yup! That question is for you. It's not because the degree, it's about your responsibility to your study, your future, and yourself, babe.

After that rejection, we never stop fighting. I don't know what you want. We have plans. We are going to make it.  We are gonna struggle together through this. I know we can. We can works together, you can work at the day and take classes after that. You can go to college again. And after 3 or 4 years we can finish all and think about "hi, babe, you wanna marry me?"

You always say that i dump you or i will because later i'm gonna have a great job, great salary, great partner which are better than yours and i will marry one of those great guy in my office. YEAH! Of course, i'll do that if you stay like this. You treat me like a shit.

You text or call me just when you need something or when you're in good mood. But when you are in bad mood, you're mad at me like i'm just bothering you. I know exactly sometimes, i'm being too much. I keep texting you or calling you after you get home from work. Maybe you are too tired. But it's just sometimes even rarely.

I try to understand you, do you?

Now you wanna break up? Damn! How can you say such a thing?

Love? Life?

Life is such a rubbish. How can you be with someone who you love the most but he don't do the same things and never stand for you, even he never defend you. But you love him and never wanna stop doing that. You wanna be with him all your life. You wanna spend your old ages with him beside you, grab his hand while sitting on the bench near the pond watching some swans swimming till sunset comes.

Maybe it's not life, maybe that is love. I don't know maybe love is just stupid feeling. When you know that there's something wrong in your relationship and love makes you thinks that everything is just fine and normal. When he hurt you for example, you even apologize for him for his mistakes and it's just because you don't wanna he leave. It's like you can't stand and walk on your own feet while the fact is you always walking on your own feet, on your own step because he never been there even though he is with you.

Or maybe it's not love either. Maybe it's just loneliness. You just wanna be with someone so you will be warm along the winter, there are someone's fingers between your palms. You just don't wanna sit alone drinking your morning coffee in the kitchen before going to work. You just don't wanna be single when you have to attend your friend's wedding. You just don't wanna be alone in your room watching movies and eating popcorn when it's raining weekend, you want someone to be next to you so you can hug him when the thunders hit the sky loudly and shake your window.

Or whatever it is, this kind of someone will leave you or you have to leave him anyway. You or he will realize that all things are just forced and make tired of both of you. You both has to swallow the bitter fact that the relationship should be ended. It can be a sweet goodbye or hard and rough quarelling. However, both ways are gonna be onions for your eyes and create painful tears. Maybe after that, you will loose you life, it is like you have nothing to live for. You just wanna be in your room crying and crying. You don't wanna meet the sun. And I know how that feeling is. I know it very well.

Again and Again!

We fight AGAIN!

Aku nggak ngerti aja, apa yang sebenarnya terjadi between us. Tapi selalu aja berantem. Oke, awalnya karena aku terlalu panik dan tertekan buat kenalin kamu sama orangtuaku. Tapi kenapa juga kamu jadi balik marah dan selalu bad mood sama aku?? Kenapa jadi sering banget HP nggak aktif, meskipun alasannya karena kamu gak punya charger. Bukannya dari dulu kamu juga gak punya charger??

Malam ini juga, aku telpon baik-baik malah kamu bentak-bentak aku, alasan karena bangun tidur. Aku gak bisa dengar jelas suara kamu, aku minta ulangin malah kamu bentakin aku. Kenapa sih?

Aku itu cuma pengen pacaran normal aja? Kenapa sih aku sebagai cewek kamu ga pernah sekalipun kamu ijinkan marah tapi tetap dapat perhatian kamu? Aku pengen juga dimanjain, diperhatiin kalau marah. Kenapa harus selalu aku yang perlakuin kamu kayak gitu??? Kenapa bukan kamu yang perlakuin aku seperti itu???

Aku capek! Aku bosan!

Harus selalu nurutin kamu, nurutin aturan kamu, nurutin mood kamu. Kenapa gak berusaha buat aku??? Menyenangkan aku sebagai cewekmu, manjain aku, perhatiin aku? Kejar aku kalau aku marah?? Sekali-kali kan gak pa-pa to? Kenapa selalu aku harus nyesuain sifat cowok kamu?? Kenapa nggak pernah kamu berusaha ngertiin aku dari sisi perempuanku??? SHIT!

What Should I Do?

Hari ini aku mau membereskan pendaftaran wisudaku. Aku berusaha menyelesaikan semua persyaratan. Jadi aku ke kampus dan mendapatkan beberapa formulir yang harus di isi. Tapi sesuatu dalam formulir itu mengagetkan aku. Ada persyaratan yang memerlukan tanda tangan pembimbing, kalau pembimbingku cuma satu tidak masalah, masalahnya adalah pembimbingku ada dua, yang satu available dan satu sudah berpesan sejak aku selesai sidang ujian bahwa dia tidak akan available. Aku memang sudah mendapatkan tanda tangan untuk beberapa persyaratan langsung setelah sidang. Tapi aku tidak tahu bahwa ada formulir lain yang memerlukan tanda tangan beliau. Aaaaakkkkkk! Pusiiiiing!

Tapi, hari ini aku bertemu dia yang aku ceritakan kemarin itu. Aku kasih panggilan si baik aja deh. Si baik tadi mau kuliah. Terus kita ketemu di kafe kampus, tidak cuma berdua, ada beberapa teman lain juga sih. Tapi aku mencoba menanyakan hatiku saja, apa benar aku suka sama dia. Pas kebetulan dia duduk di depanku. Yeah, aku biasa saja sih melihatnya. I mean, my heartbeat was normal tadi. Dan aku juga biasa saja waktu dia asik mengobrol sama yang lain dan aku menikmati percakapan itu, meskipun aku tidak ambil bagian. Beberapa kali dia mencoba membuat percakapan denganku seperti yang biasa dia lakukan kalau ada orang yang diam waktu lagi ketemuan ramai-ramai seperti tadi. Dia selalu membuat orang lain merasa nyaman memang. And that's nice. I like his attention to people. Jadi mungkin aku memang menyukai dia. Mungkin aku hanya merasa terlalu senang dan nyaman saja kemarin waktu liburan itu bukan rasa suka bahkan jatuh cinta.

Yah, mungkin karena aku sudah lama juga tidak bertemu pacarku, hampir satu tahun. Lalu waktu libur kemarin semua berpasangan kecuali aku, dia dan satu teman lagi. Mungkin aku terlalu senang dan nyaman, ada yang bisa aku pegang waktu aku keluar dari air dan dia selalu nyelamatin aku dari ketakutan tenggelamku.

Toh, aku tahu betapa dia mencintai pacarnya sendiri. Meskipun sekarang mereka sedang putus hubungan karena beberapa hal dan aku pun sangat menyayangi pacarku sendiri yang sudah aku kenal dan aku menyukai semua tentang dia. Semua. Maksudku, dengan si baik ini aku hanya menyukainya saat dia membuatku nyaman dan memperhatikan aku. Namun saat dia dengan kehidupannya yang lain, dengan sifat-sifat dia yang lain, dengan sahabat-sahabatnya yang lain yang aku tidak kenal, aku tidak begitu menyukainya. :)

Don't Tell Anyone

Please, don't tell anyone, especially my boo, i think i like someone else :(

It's kinda hard to admit, but i like him. I know what Mary Jane feels when Spiderman saves her. Woh! It's in frightening situation and someone cool saves you. Yes! That's an amazing moment and feeling and you wanna repeat it again and again.

So, it happened when i and my friends in our adventure to a cave. Jadi, kita jalan ke tempat wisata gitu, ada guanya, nah dalam gua itu mengalir sungai bawah tanah. Terus kita dibantu seorang pemandu duduk diatas pelampung dengan pakai jaket pelampung menyusuri sungai sepanjang gua itu. Awalnya aku pilih duduk dekat dia karena dia bisa renang. That's it. Karena aku takut sekali tenggelam, meskipun dengan pelampung aku tidak akan bisa tenggelam. Tapi aku tetap merasa sangat takut. Lalu kita menyusuri sungai sambil pemandu memberikan keterangan-keterangan tentang gua tersebut. Lalu saat penyusuran sudah selesai, kami tiba disalah satu bagian gua dimana kita bisa turun dari pelanpung, naik ke sebuah tebing agak tinggi dan bisa terjun dari atas tebing itu ke sungai yang kita lewati tadi. Semua sudah turun dari pelampung, aku juga. Karena kami berhenti dipinggiran sungai, kakiku bisa menjangkau dasar sungai, aku berjalan menepi dan ikut naik ke atas tebing. Semua teman-teman cowok sudah melompat termasuk dia. Lalu aku mencoba memberikan diri untuk melompat juga. Dengan gemetaran aku menyiapkan diri. Those boys yang ada dibawah sudah teriak memberikan semangat supaya aku segera terjun, mereka akan bantu aku dibawah nanti kalau aku takut renang. Jadi setelah merasa siap, aku terjun. Badanku masuk ke air dan balik lagi ke atas karena pelampung, namun aku tetap merasa panik. Dia dan temanku lain memegangiku. Temanku lain ini lalu pergi ke pinggir, jadi aku akhirnya ditolong dia. Sampai 3 kali aku terjun dari tebing itu, aku selalu ditolong dia setelah badanku naik ke permukaan sungai. Aku merasakan tangannya memegangku dan dia berusaha membuatku tenang. Dan aku merasa sangat nyaman meskipun ketakutan. Sampai kami berenang keluar gua pun aku dibantu dia terus.

Jadi sejak waktu itu, aku pikir aku menyukainya, dia juga memperhatikanku setelah itu. Maksudnya, aku tahu itu perhatian yang wajar antara teman, dan dia juga melakukannya bahkan sering ke teman-teman ceweknya yang lain juga. Hanya saja hari itu dia tiba menjadi keren didepan mataku. Tiap dia merangkulku dengan tangannya yang kuat dan panjang itu, aku merasa senang dan nyaman sekali. Hal yang memang jarang dilakukan pacarku, dia lebih sering mencium dan memelukku. 

Huh! Do you think i'm falling in love? I don't think so.

Tapi aku harus mengakui, tiba-tiba saja aku melihat dia sangat keren sejak hari itu dari sebuah sudut pandang. Karena kalau aku lihat dia dari sisi lain, aku tidak akan suka dia. Aku harap kalian tahu maksudku. Aku mencintai pacarku dan merasa nyaman dengan pacarku dari segala sudut pandang. Aku menyukai dia melakukan apapun atau aku menyayangi pacarku apapun yang dia lakukan. Tapi kalau "my one day hero" ini aku bisa melihatnya keren dan membuat aku nyaman dari satu sudut pandang saja, ketika dia menyelamatkan aku. Tapi dalam sisi lain kehidupannya, aku tidak merasa nyaman jika membayangkan aku mencintainya. 

BUT, STILL he is cool when he saves me and make me comfortable on how he treats me. I like that. And I think i miss that moment :D

Yay! I Got My Master!

Wow, it's good to be back :D

Kira-kira kenapa aku tidak bisa ngeblog beberapa waktu terakhir ini? It's good things actually, the reasons. I try to finish my study, so here i am, i got my master degree, yay!

I'm so thankful for that, my parents, my friends, my lovely man, my supervisors, even my executor. Banyak banget yang harus dilewati untuk get this achievement. So this is just a miracle I can finish it.

Aku harus nunggu hampir 1 bulan sebelum akhirnya dapat jadwal untuk ujian. Orang tua sudah ingin banget aku ujian dan menyelesaikan semua. Selama 2 weeks juga aku berantem sama pacar dan itu pada saat ujian, tapi untunglah aku tidak galau. Jadi aku tetap bisa mempersiapkan ujianku dengan baik dan berjalan lancar semua. 

Jadi sekarang aku tinggal finishing dan menunggu wisudaku bulan Oktober nanti. Aku banyak berharap sih, pacarku bisa menghadiri wisudaku dan aku kenalin ke orang tuaku. Cuma tidak tahu juga, dia ada alasan kerjaan. Tapi aku kira aku akan benar-benar marah sama dia kalau sampai he can't make it. Ini kan hari istimewa aku.

L you

This days i have a new term i love to say to my boo, "L you"...it seems more romantic and mysterious than directly saying or texting "love you" or "love u" hahahaha,,,i know it sounds stupid and not important but i love it :p

Um, hi,,,i'm happy and honestly i'm so excited how it ends, i mean, me dan him is getting serious now, and OMG, i miss him so much, it's almost a year we haven't met since the last time i hug him. He is working so hard now, he got a job that keeps him working 7 days a week from 7 a.m to 9 p.m. Actually i feel really sorry for that, but i think he can handle it so far. I said, as long as you can handle it, it's okay, it's worth to the salary you receive and you can do it until i graduate later. I'll try to make it as soon as possible, so we can meet soon and you can quit from that job an d find another good job. I'll do that too, i'll try to have a good job and be near to you. I can move to your town or you do the opposite. It's just kind of "let's be together without distance anymore" :)

L you, beb

xoxoxoxo 

Nail Art #2

It's been a long time since i wrote the last post, but it's good to be able to post again :D

A lot of things happened and i was very busy, but finally, i'm not panic anymore, try to face everything calmly and carefully.

But, hey,,this is my picture of the nail polish on my nails, not very clear but,,,hmm, i think i can post it :D

Regret

Tonight, when i'm eating i remember some events that makes me have a big regret up to now,
it's sad,
i mean,,,now i'm running out of money, but i can buy food for dinner, thanks God for that.

Ada beberapa hal yang buat aku menyisakan penyesalan yang begitu membekas sampai sekarang. Kejadiannya sih udah bertahun-tahun lalu, tapi ga tau kenapa aku selalu ingat terus,,,

Pertama, waktu itu aku masih SD, orang tuaku pengurus koperasi dan kebetulan koperasi itu membuka toko kebutuhan sehari-hari di depan rumahku. Jadi kadang-kadang setelah pulang sekolah aku jaga toko itu. saat itu sore sekitar jam 5, ada beberapa orang laki-laki, mungkin 3 atau 4 aku lupa. Meskipun aku masih kecil, aku menganalisa mereka bukan dari daerahku. Mereka kelihatan exhausted banget. Keringat menetes di wajah-wajah mereka dan kelihatan capek dan haus sekali. Mereka mampir ke tokoku dan bilang ingin membeli marimas, semacam produk serbuk minuman. Aku gunting beberapa Marimas untuk mereka dan mereka menanyakan "loh, kok ga dibuat?". Aku bilang ," memang toko ini ga buatin minuman, cuma jualin itu aja." dan celakanya tokoku juga ga menyediakan air mineral atau minuman apapun dalam botol atau minuman kemasan. Kalau aku ga salah ingat, mereka minta air putih. Tapi aku menolak mengambilkan, karena orang tuaku berpesan, jangan sampai meninggalkan toko kalau ada orang asing yang beli. Lalu dengan wajah lelah itu, mereka membayar marimasnya dan pergi. OH, GEES!!! aku selalu ingat wajah mereka. mungkin mereka bukan orang jahat yang harusnya aku ambilin minum. aku ga tau lagi, tapi itu sangat menggangguku, sampai sekarang aku 25 tahun, dari SD...

Kedua, juga waktu itu aku duduk di teras rumah, sendirian, orang tuaku pergi. Lalu aku dengar suara laki-laki "kalender! kalender!"
Dia menawarkan kalender. Saat itu matahari tepat di atas kepala dan memang lagi musim kemarau, jadi sangat panas. Saat dia lewat depan rumahku, aku lihat seorang laki-laki, seperti orang Papua, kulitnya hitan terbakar sinar matahari dan wajahnya penuh keringat. dia membawa beberapa kalender di tangan dan mungkin juga masih banyak di dalam tas yang dibawanya saat itu. Dia menoleh padaku, memintaku membeli satu saja kalendernya, kalau ga salah, harganya 1000 rupiah atau 2000 rupiah. Uang yang tidak banyak. Aku tidak begitu ingat apakah saat itu aku tidak punya uang, ataukah aku takut dengan laki-laki asing itu, atau karena orang tuaku tidak ada di rumah jadi aku tidak bisa minta uang, AKU TIDAK MEMBELI. Itu juga sering teringat sampai sekarang.

Ketiga, aku sudah jadi mahasiswa saat itu. Aku dan 2 atau 3 temanku makan di sebuah tempat khusus fried chicken semacam KFC. tiba-tiba ada seorang cowok, memakai kaos dan celana pendek, membawa plastik hitam kecil, dan tangannya memegang jepit rambut dan ternyata isi plastik itu juga beberapa jepit rambut. Dia minta jepit itu dibeli harga 5.000 rupiah. Harga sebenarnya di toko mungkin 1000 atau 2000 rupiah saja. Tapi dia bilang dia kehabisan uang dan tidak bisa makan dan pulang. Aku berpikir, mungkin dia ngekos dan kehabisan uang, jadi tidak bisa pulang ke rumahnya. Yang aku sesalkan karena aku tidak membeli dan aku bisa makan di situ. Saat itu uangku juga tinggal buat bayar makan di situ dan ongkos pulang. karena aku sendiri juga anak kos. Sangat Pas. Karena aku memang udah hitung sebelum makan disitu.

Oh, my God,,,aku sungguh-sungguh terganggu dengan semua memori itu. Kenapa aku ini ga menolong saja mereka. Kalau aku menahan diri sedikit rasa takutku, atau 

Got Fired?

I don't know what i'm doing this week. I mess up everything because i'm so depressed of what my supervisor told me about my thesis. So i spend this week by sleeping hours in my room. i cancel some of my teaching jobs, and i don't know maybe i will get fired because of that.

I know, my thesis is not the end of the world

but,,,you know, i'm tired of trying. it's like nothing works. i know i should try and try and have the spirit and make it happens, yay! but I DON'T. I don't have the spirit right now.

wew..it sucks. i just wanna work, i mean the real work, the real office, the real jobs, the real salary AGAIN. But i know if i do that, i'll be more not focus on my thesis, so, i'm confused now.

anyway, the good news is,,,

my babe is having good job now, good salary i think, and he said he will save for US and he trust me to have his saving, i mean to manage that, because he said "that's for US, babe"

yay,,,i'm so glad because now he start to think about us, our future, our marriage, even our children.That sound so lovely and i'm so proud of him being grow up. i love u babe..

but he ask me something i can't give, maybe he mad at me because of that, but he said "i won't force u to give me what i want, but don't blame me when i ask from another girl."

what?? it's still force me right? psychologically...:( 

That's make me sad, if he can't keep my trust, he ask another girl for 'that', it means he is cheating on me. So i'm getting more confused now. I understand, maybe it's because he is a man, and a man needs 'that'. But i can't give that before we married. Is he still good man?

Bad News

I'm crying now,,,

i don't know why i have bad news for the last days,
first, i have fight with him again, the same problem, i feel that he doesn't have time, he doesn't wanna pay attention on me, he doesn't exist when i need him. Then i tell him that maybe it's better that i'm leaving. I don't know, whether it's the good decision or not. I'm so sad because of that.

Second one is my supervisor give a really surprised revision to my thesis. He said that i will have obstacles  if i continue using the model that i have proposed. He told me to replace with another simple model or i have to focus on 1 thing so it won't be so complex.
How i should start again? I thought that the model will be approved then i can continue to the next step. How far will i be left behind by my friends? I...i just....i can't think about it anymore.,,

i feel dumped right now,
i mean i don't know what i have to do again to my babe and my thesis. why is it happened in the same time? i  just wanna cry now, cry, i'm so PANIC. Oh, MY GOD,,,,
what is happening to my life?

Keep Up

Tada!!! :D

I'm excited and happy,,,

Because, my supervisor has told me to make instrument for my research, i'm so thankful for that. My imagination is running wild, let's say everything is going smoothly, i make the instruments, i do my research, i analyze the data, i have schedule to present my thesis, and yay!! I graduate. What i'm gonna do next, will i move to another city for job, or just find the job here,,,,all of those make me wanna jump :D

I mean, i don't even care if i and my babe have a fight, this graduation thing is the king in my mind NOW.

Yeah,,,let's just do the best for everything that we want to gain and let's be focus for that, i believe we will step on finish line on time. Keep the spirit up! :)

Jealousy

I'm jealous, yup! Absolutely! 100% jealous

Aku melihat ada teman-temanku yang sudah mengepost foto wedding atau prewedding mereka di Facebook, seperti wedding dan prewedding yang aku inginkan.

Aku juga melihat ada yang sudah mengepost foto mereka di Korea, Amerika, Jepang atau negara lain, semua tempat yang ingin aku datangi.

Aku juga melihat ada yang begitu mesra dengan pacarnya di facebook timeline mereka.

Aku melihat juga ada yang sudah wisuda dan mendapat gelar sarjan ataupun master mereka.

Aku melihat ada yang begitu menikmati hidupnya meskipun tidak kemana-mana dan mereka begitu menikmati pekerjaan yang mereka punya sekarang.

Aku melihat ada yang mengepost foto-foto keluarga ataupun bayi-bayi mereka.

Intinya, aku ingin semua itu juga terjadi padaku, tapi pada kenyataannya hal itu BELUM terjadi padaku. Ada perbedaan antara TIDAK terjadi dan BELUM terjadi. Dan itu BELUM terjadi padaku.

Guys, bukan aku tidak bersyukur atas hidup yang aku miliki sekarang. Maksudku, aku juga bangga bisa kuliah dan sekarang sedang mengerjakan tesis untuk gelar masterku, aku juga punya pacar meskipun long distance dan jarang ketemu (sebenarnya tidak terasa seperti pacaran), aku juga punya orang tua dan sodara yang tidak pernah tidak baik padaku (kadang-kadang sodaraku memang bisa menyebalkan, tapi dia pada dasarnya baik), aku juga bisa berdiri sendiri tanpa teman-teman yang dulu kukira sahabat (aku pernah cerita tentang ini sebelumnya). Maksudku, aku bersyukur, aku juga bangga akan hal itu.

Tapi memikirkan semua yang teman-temanku sudah punya dan dipamerkan di facebook, aku merasa jealous. Aku sedikit iri dengan itu. Apa itu hal yang wajar? 

Aku juga tidak tahu, tapi kadang-kadang itu bisa aku pikirkan berjam-jam. Seperti aku malah membayangkan, bagaimana jika aku sekarang di Korea, bagaimana aku merencanakan preweddingku, siapa yang akan jadi fotograferku, apakah cukup sodaraku saja, karena dia sekarang belajar sedikit fotografi di kampus, hal-hal seperti itu.

Aku tidak tahu :) Mungkin itu hal yang wajar, mungkin juga tidak.

O, iya dan malam ini aku menyewa 3 film, Cabin in The Wood, Hitman, dan Skyfall. Aku menonton Cabin in The Wood dan yeah, itu mengerikan tapi aku tidak begitu suka endingnya. Jadi aku mencoba memutar hitman, but it doesn't work. Begitupun dengan Skyfall. It sucks. Berpikir bahwa aku akan tidur dengan bayangan ending yang tidak memuaskan dari cabin in the wood. wew -,-

Drama Queen

I don't know is it my feeling or our communication is getting worse these days?

Jadi tadi malam aku telepon kamu Beb, dan karena kamu mengeluh terus tentang suara brisik, dan aku juga udah kesel aku bilang "matiin aja"

Terus kamu langsung matiin, dan aku mulai kirim sms tentang how bad is our communication, are you getting bored with me, dan juga bilang gak seharusnya kamu kayak gitu.

Am I a drama queen?

And this morning i text you, are you mad?

You: I'm not mad. I just don't like you send me rubbish messages after i closed the phone. That makes me lazy to talk to you

Me: oh

You: why? don't like that?

Me: It's ok. Those are rubbish. Sorry

You: Why are girls smart enough to make people feel guilty?

Me: You're not, so don't feel guilty about this

Me: Next time, there won't be any rubbish from me in your phone. love u

And that's it, end of conversation.

Nail Art

Finally, i'm getting better

i got fever for these last two days, but Thanks God, i'm healthy now :D

So, today i wake up, still feel not really good, but i try to do my normal routine. I take a bath and clean my room, eat, and then open my books try to do my thesis. And yay! My other supervisor for thesis Prof S has replied my email  (i got Prof. DK and Prof. S as my thesis supervisors). And he said: OK! 

Yahooo! Thanks God, it means i can continue to revise another chapter, finally there's a progress. So I believe that "it's always better to have progress slowly than nothing at all". So, if we find something seems difficult to be done, let's just try and try, give it shot and never give up, so one day, we never realize that we actually has obtained the accomplishment. :)

Um, I also do something to my nails. Yeah, actually i love to color my nails. I will show you some. But it's not good at all i think. 

this is the choco

  this is the natural

 the light red

the  sparkling black

this blue is a mess

this orange, i mix yellow and red

 this ocean blue

And tonight i did one more to my nails, I like it this one, how about you? :D

Yeah, i like this one :D
Not as much as i like my babe, he angry at me again, i don't know why. He said that he didn't wanna call because there a noisy voice when he called me. Then, today he called me and i didn't pick up, I said "i'm okay now, no need you to call". And I said, just call me if you need me, but i'll try not to call you, because you always have reasons to cancel my call, whether it's your job that make you tired or the noisy voice or whatever, so i don't wanna disturb you and don't bother.
You angry, you said that ypu don't wanna call me either. That's it. You end the conversation and left me hanging. Wew,,,(-,-)                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

I Love You When ...

I love you when you cuddle me and it ends with a soft kiss
I love you when you just from somewhere outside and as you enter the house saying "oh, i'm freezing" and hug me
I love you when i open my eyes in the middle of the night and find you're looking at my face, i ask "what are you doing" and you just smile answering "i've done this for hours and i never get bored"
I love you when you kiss me in the middle of my sleeping, i feel it but i don't wanna wake up
I love you when i'm mad and you hug me
I love you when i'm depressed or panic, you just stay there to calm me down
I love you when i'm crying and you kiss me
I love you when you blow my ear to wake me up
I love you when i open at midnight and find you next to me, sleeping peacely
I love you when you hold my hand suddenly in the middle of crowded
I love you when you kiss me and don't want it to end
I love you when you who always warm and lovely never really leave me, never really mad at me
I love you,,,

Today is Waiting

Oo,,,yeah,,,

So, this day along i'm waiting for two things, first the email from my supervisor and the second is my babe comment on her Ex wall post in FB.

Why am i doing that? Because i need my email to be replied so i can go forward on my thesis, i hope it's getting better and better, and about his Ex,,well,,that's complicated.

A couple months ago his Ex called him that she got engaged and will get married one year later. I really care about that, because my babe and I has been about 3 years in relationship but she is always between us, suddenly appear and we don't know how even my babe has change his phone number. That's bothering me a lot. 

I think that she has moved on so she tries to live with another man finally. But, yesterday, i checked my babe's FB and i found that she posted a sweet sentence:

 "it hurts when u have someone in your heart,but u cant have her in yours arms...cemungud2 [it's like chayo] **** [she called my babe with his nick name like when they were still in realtionship] :) wish u all d' best "

What??? 

I called him soon and said "let's make this for HER! because i'm sick of this". 

He said "just keep calm babe, i'm still yours, please trust me this time"

"It's not about i trust you, i trust you babe, but i don't trust her. Or you're still thinking about her feeling so you just let her always do the things like that. Do you even think about my feeling? I'm your girlfriend now! Remember? If both of you just let this happens any way, well,,,you guys just don't respect my position as your girlfriend, and you are too much hurting my feeling. You defend her feeling by hurting me. Who are your girlfriend actually?

"Okay, i'll remove her or i have to be angry at her first?"

"You said to her in her wall post that you don't want her anymore to come back in your life. Because you are with me now, you are serious with me, and you don't want always have a fight for the same problem again, her."

"Okay,,"

Okay?? And now what?? Are you such a coward?? FUCK YOU 

I'm back alive

wow, it's been like a long time and finally i can write again,,

so, yeah,,,my life is going on, good, well great,,,a lot of problem but great, that's the art of life. You have problems but hi! You're still alive and doing great :)

Okay, i'll tell you, guys...

A week ago, i had a little problem with my girls. It happened like this,,,

I didn't remember the day, but i woke up lately, it was about 10 a.m or 9 a.m. Then I tried to find the girls, which were my very best friends. I didn't find them.

I turned on my laptop and opened google, online news, twitter of course :D. I found in my timeline that the girls were having fun in SPA place and saloon, yeah place like that. I always have the problem with these girls, with the way their parents give money and the way the spend that money. I remembered that maybe two weeks ago, their parents just sold their land somewhere which was in expensive price. So, i knew that their family has a lot of money because of that. As information, these girls are sisters.

Then i tweeted something like " hi, i just bought a Gucci bag || Wow, nice. I saw your mom sold her ringg wedding yesterday" and also " hi, my boyfriend just bought me a diamond ring || Wow, i heard that his mom lost her money a lot"

I knew it, they would react of my tweet, so they tweeted back without mention me, because i didn't mention them too. it was like saying "someone get jealous that we are having fun" and "hi, we love our parents for giving me the money to have fun" and "someone felt really sick of us" something like that till 3 days they did that. I was like "what????"

I tried to answer them (still  #nomention) that, "hello, my tweets are not for you stupid people, my friends are not only you" but i thought that it didn't work.

Then, till now i just try to be normal with them, i mean, yeah we still say hello sometimes, but i'm personally decided not to be as closed as before.

Next thing was that, i got surprised!! Owh, Actually bad news. For the last months, i survive to finish my thesis for my master degree. I got a lot of revisions every time i brought my writing to my supervisor or my lecturer. So, i decided to have a rest time before i'm gonna write the next revision. And maybe three days ago, i went to campus for something i needed to take care, and i met my friend who had done her seminar and passed and congratulation!! She had just got her master.

O, My GOD! And what am i doing? A rest time???

After i got into my room, i just called my babe who was in his work, i was crying, told him what happened, how panic i was that i got left behind, because my other friends also told me that they were doing chapter 4 of their thesis, and me?? Chapter 1!! and it's still unfinished!!

My babe were just listening to me and i didn't know how he always did. He calmed me down, stopped my tears down, talked about something about my thesis, about how i shouldn't be so panic and just keep writing.

And yeah,,,here i am, now i'm waiting for my supervisor to give comments back for my revision that i sent him.

Yeah, sometimes we just need to take a deep breath, keep calm and start what we have to finish. I mean i love this life, sometimes it makes me really depressed, sad, happy, tearing, laughing, but it makes me stronger than. My friends, my story of life, my babe, even my supervisor,,,they give me a lot of things, things to always be learned.

And, how about you? I wish good luck too for yous life :)

The Process Of Broken Heart

I don't know, maybe when some relationships end up, first, it's very difficult for the girl to accept but it's fun for the guy. Then, after some times, maybe it takes different time for every girl, it can be days, months, or even years, she will decide that life must go on, she will be stronger, move on, and be different better girl from she was, she will live her life better, stronger, and of course greater.

And for the guys, when they think they can live happier as a single, they should think twice after some days, months, and years. They should realize how important their girls to help them in their life. So, have fun, enjoy your happier lonelier single life.

Broke Up

Fight #2

This morning at 7.08 a.m i called you,
was it just my feeling or my phone was broken or my voice was low because i just got up or your phone that got broken or you just wanna start another fight...?

You said that " if you are still sleepy, don't call me, your voice is very low and i can hear you" with a high tone. I repeat what i've said many times and also increase my tone, ask you why you didn't call or answer my phone last night. You said " I GOT ILL, I THROW UP, AND I SLEEP. HAPPY???"

WHAT??? I ask you politely and i just wanna know, why suddenly you get mad like that. Okay maybe you are sick, but you don't have to talk to me like that.

You WERE not like that, why now?
Is it because i call you everyday, text you everyday, but i just do it normally. I don't call you or text you every second, i just do it once or twice a day. Is it too much the way i treat you? Because i don't see it.

Whatever

Friendship is just another shit

So, okay...

I have a best friend, actually i used to have a best friend, very best friend, let's say her name is Erica,,,i can't say her real name, but all i write here is fact.

So this girl, i have written about her actually in my postings before, maybe i call her ER or something. This girl was a best friend for me before he met her boyfriend which is younger than her, let's call him Mike. It's almost 3 years that they have a relationship, and that relationship has taken my best friend. She always be busy with Mike and doesn't have time for me or even her sisters or other friends. Her life is just Mike. Of course, it doesn't include when they are fighting, she always comes back to us, i mean to me and her two sisters.

So, she is like living with Mike already, sleep in his dorm and you know live there. First, it really disturb me, she doesn't like live like that. She respect herself by always be "expensive" to her boyfriends before. She doesn't like sleeping around in her boyfriend's place before.  She was very mature in the way she think about everything. However, it has changed and i don't like that.

After a long time she always be like that, i decided not to care any more. I have tried to talk about how she has changed but she got mad at me. So i choose to shut my mouth up and live my own life even though sometimes we still hang out, but it's very rarely.

And today, actually this is not her fault. The story is like this. Last night i texted her "if you wanna go churching in the morning at 7 or 9, and you are not with Mike, please let me join, because i need a ride. We can go together"

And she replied "okay, but i'm not sure i can make it at 7 or 9 because my job will be finished about 2 a.m so maybe Mike will pick me up in the early morning and i will be very tired."

Okay, so i thought she will go curching in the afternoon at 5 pm. I got myself ready before 5 and i texted her "hi, maybe we can meet in the church, i will wait for you there." That was because she was in Mike's dorm and i was in my own dorm.

But she replied "hi, sorry, i have tried to text you in the morning but my load was out. Actually, Mike picked me up at 7 this morning, so we straightly went to church. So sorry..."

I don't know why i don't like that and i just reply "O, Okay,,,"

Sometimes, what you think that friend or even bestfriend are everything, they are just nothing because of their   boyfriend or girlfriend. I tried everything for them before, but now, i don't give a fuck too, like what they always do to me before or now.

Not Bad

Umm, this Saturday i keep my self save in ny comfy room,,,
as usual, i'm alone in my boarding house again, for my lovely cutest boyfriend in another town and it takes me about 8 hours to get him,
so...here i am, enjoying the day and night by watching some movies and texting him

Um, by the way, after we had a big fight maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago, i didn't really remember but, it was around 1st January or something, we broke up, and he offered me 2 option so we could back together again because that was my fault that we broke up, and he thought that he had to punish me with those two options.

But i didn't wanna do both of them, yeah, for the first i chose 1, but finally i decided not to choose both of them, because i thought that if he really loved me and wanted to be with me, he will give me a chance anyway. I said that "i wanna start all over the things new, and i really apologize for my mistake"
Then we had a long fight for several days before finally you decided to give me a chance for free without involved those options that didn't make sense.

And,,,here we are,,again start the new relationship again. I promise i will control my bad temper. May God bless me. :)

Because i really love u and wanna be with u...

Stuck

Aku terjebak dalam perangkap waktu, oleh cinta dan hidupku, kamu yang aku pertahankan untuk hidupku pergi begitu saja meninggalkan aku,
Aku yang dikejar waktu untuk mengejar gelar dan juga masa depanku, 26 tahun hidup dan aku belum menghasilkan apapun yang membanggakan orangtuaku, sedikitpun tidak

Aku merencanakan gelarku dan kamu untuk aku berikan tahun ini, tapi semua itu rencana dan aku masih tidak mengerti kenapa Tuhan membiarkan kita berpisah begitu saja setelah 3 tahun yang kita alami bersama, setelah semakin dekat aku bisa mewujudkan rencanaku..

Apa aku terkesan menyalahkan Tuhan? Aku bukan menyalahkan aku hanya mempertanyakan dan minta Dia memberi kekuatan dan segala keyakinan, setidaknya aku bisa mendapat gelarku meskipun kamu tidak bisa aku dapat. Setidaknya aku bisa memberikan satu hal kebanggaan untuk orang yang melahirkan aku, dan juga untuk hidupku sendiri.