He Did It (AGAIN)

Hampir 3 minggu aku hidup di kota ini, kita yang sama tempat kamu kerja karena aku juga di terima magang di sebuah lembaga di sini. Jadi, aku senang karena ini akhirnya kesempatan aku untuk bisa bekerja di luar kota dan bisa sama-sama dengan kamu.

Minggu kedua, pada pertengahan minggu aku sakit dan aku ingin kamu datang ke kos aku supaya bisa beliin aku obat kalo ga bisa antar aku kedokter. Cuma kita salah paham, dan kita berantem sampai akhirnya kamu bilang ingin jalan sendiri tanpa aku lagi. Kamu mutusin hubungan kita. Aku kira aku bisa terima itu. Karena kamu udah berkata-kata kasar banget sama aku. Kamu bilang kita sama-sama keras kepala dan hubungan ini ga bisa dilanjutin lagi. Aku sedih banget aja. Bukan karena aku kehilangan kamu, tapi karena aku merasa sia-sia perjuangan yang aku lakukan beberapa tahun belakangan ini. secara kita sudah pacaran 4 tahun lebih. Semua rencanaku pasti semuanya udah menyangkut kamu. Aku takut bakalan lama bisa bangkit lagi. Itu aja.

Namun, aku coba untuk memperbaiki semuanya, aku minta maaf dan berusaha jadi pihak salah di antara kita. Karena oke, dalam kasus kita berantem yang terakhir ini mungkin emang aku yang salah. Cuma sebenarnya dalam diri aku, ada ketakutan dengan sikap kamu yang selalu gata2in kasar kalo marah banget sama aku. Aku takut itu akan berlanjut terus. Aku takut itu terulang lagi.

Ini hari Minggu kedua aku sama kamu, udah hampir jam 10 kamu belum bangun tidur. Aku cuma pengen kamu bangun, kalau bisa kita ke gereja pagi, jadi setelah itu kita bisa beraktivitas tanpa harus mikir belum ke gereja. Ternyata kamu belum bangun juga dan aku memang masih berusaha buat bangunin kamu. Cuma kamu marah aja dan bilang kasar banget "berisik!!!" sama aku.

Aku ga tau apa aku memang punya mental rendah ato apa, cuma aku gak suka kamu seperti itu sama aku. Seakan aku ini pengganggu aja. 

O, iya meskipun aku bersyukur kamu yang kuatin aku saat aku tahu hasil psikotes aku yang menyatakan aku ini manusia rata-rata dan dibawah rata-rata untuk semua kategori baik kinerja, kepribadian, dll. Aku senang kamu bisa kuatin dan kasih semangat aku. Cuma aku tetap ga suka kamu perlakukan dengan kata-kata kasar tiap kali kamu gak suka dengan apa yang kamu lakukan.

DAMN!

Late Post #2

April 4, 2014


Hrggg, damn it! So tonight there are two girls from the church and ask my father to be the guidance in the youth community service in our church tomorrow night. However, my father have to reject it, because there's something else to do.
One hour later, my father ask me to subtitute him. I don't directly agree so he thinks that i don't have any passion anymore in the church service. Just for information, we are talking at the dinner table. Then my father start to talk not only about me and my service passion but also about the condition of church, the people, the service, and most of all are the negative things about those stuff. And the mood in our dinner turn into the bad one. I choose to keep my mouth close, so do my mother.
I don't know, i just don't like the situation.

Late Post #1

April 2nd, 2014

So many thought I have, so many circumstances happened, so many tears and laugh since the last time I wrote. Then, I dont't know where to start writing about it.
Um, okay, let's start from where I am now. So, after I get my master degree, here I am, stuck in my parents' house. Please don't judge me that I'm not trying to get a job. I do. Somehow, none of them get me a good result.
Back to two weeks ago, I got an interview call from one of schools in the city that i really wanna move in. With a big hope, I come to that city to do my interview. They said they would call me by the end of March. And, now it's April, still I don't get any news from that school. OK, maybe I should let it go. Instead of drowning in the deep fucking hopeless feeling because of that, now, i'm trying other chances, i mean i'm still looking for vacancies.

Another story about my interview, I met my boyfriend there and we spent couple days together. Yeah, sometimes he couldn't make it, because of his work. But what can I do?
I enjoyed our meeting. I think he really miss me like i do. We plan what are going to do when I got that job. We are so happy just imagine that we don't have to be in long distance anymore. But, beside that happy things, we also have fights about little things like when he couldn't be with me, so I have to be in my friend' boarding house alone, not really alone but with my friend and her boyfriend, so you know how the feeling. I really wanna be with my babe, but in fact I'm trapped with a couple in a room. They are nice, yeah pretty nice actually. But that was not enough for me at that time because I want my babe being with me. Just for information, I stayed in my friend's place for about a week.
Can you imagine? I have done my interview on Monday and my BF wanted me to stay more days, because actually i have to go home soon. So, okay. My friend and her BF always go to work on 7am and get home on 7pm or 8pm, even sometimes 9pm. Everyday. What did i do that time? I woke up like they do and then waited for them till they went to work. After that, I got back sleeping. I'm waiting the night by watching tv, playing with my phone and sleeping. I didn't wanna go outside to walk around or even buying foods, because i was trying to save my money. When it's 7pm or 8pm, I called my BF and ask him if he could come for me. And when he said NO, that was the reason why we have fight. I was doing nothing just to have him coming in my friend's place to meet me. But if we have fight or i cried on the phone, he always come anyway. And I'm happy for that. I love him. I love him so much. 

Still alive

Wow, it's like forever that i didn't write anything, but here some post i made while i have no internet connection. Oh my God, i find internet now hahaha...

Hi, I got some words. I think it's better when people understand it because they have fell it.

"Why do good people turn into bad? Because when they were good, people treat them bad."

"Why am I not cool to be a friend? Because I am not fashionable or I don't have money or I am grumpy or I always complained or I act pathetic."

By the way,
On Thursday 17, 2014, I got PMS. You know as a woman, I get used to the suffering symptomps. But this time i didn't only get stomache but also fever and it was like i wanted to throw up.

I don't have close friends in my dorm, so I think it's not a good idea to have them doing some favor for me. I tried to text my friend who i thought as my good friend. She was may office-mate before. Since I quit my job we still send texts each other, SOMETIMES. So, I sent her a text. I asked her where she was. May by a chance she was somewhere, not in her house, so I could ask help. She answered that she was at home and asked me, how was it?
I replied that i got terrible sickness because of my PMS. And do you know what is happened next?
NOTHING!
Did she remember when she was still alone and sick in her dorm??? Even though she just said that she is sick, not TERRIBLE sick. I help her, i picked her up to the clinic or i brought her food or medicines, even though it was big rain or i just got home from my private teaching. HOW COULD SHE JUST LET ME DYING??? IS IT BECAUSE SHE HAS A LOT OF WORK BECAUSE SHE HAS A HUSBAND NOW?? FUCK YOU!!

That's why, sometimes it's not good at all to be good to some people. FRIENDS, LIKE I SAID BEFORE, ARE JUST BULLSHIT.
When they are alone, they come to you, when they have boyfriend or husband, they don't even recognize who you are.
Yeah, maybe i try to enjoy when they just take some advantages from me when they need me, i mean, i try to enjoy the moment i have with them. I think that they are fun and nice at that time. I make them my friends in my mind, I think positively about them. However, actually they are just another bullshit in my life. FUCK them.