Arghhhh

I never guess that the rejection could come this fast. The rejection by my parents of you that we shouldn't be together because i have my master degree and you have no degree at all. Actually what my parents think is how someone so irresponsible not to finish his study while he can. Yup! That question is for you. It's not because the degree, it's about your responsibility to your study, your future, and yourself, babe.

After that rejection, we never stop fighting. I don't know what you want. We have plans. We are going to make it.  We are gonna struggle together through this. I know we can. We can works together, you can work at the day and take classes after that. You can go to college again. And after 3 or 4 years we can finish all and think about "hi, babe, you wanna marry me?"

You always say that i dump you or i will because later i'm gonna have a great job, great salary, great partner which are better than yours and i will marry one of those great guy in my office. YEAH! Of course, i'll do that if you stay like this. You treat me like a shit.

You text or call me just when you need something or when you're in good mood. But when you are in bad mood, you're mad at me like i'm just bothering you. I know exactly sometimes, i'm being too much. I keep texting you or calling you after you get home from work. Maybe you are too tired. But it's just sometimes even rarely.

I try to understand you, do you?

Now you wanna break up? Damn! How can you say such a thing?

Love? Life?

Life is such a rubbish. How can you be with someone who you love the most but he don't do the same things and never stand for you, even he never defend you. But you love him and never wanna stop doing that. You wanna be with him all your life. You wanna spend your old ages with him beside you, grab his hand while sitting on the bench near the pond watching some swans swimming till sunset comes.

Maybe it's not life, maybe that is love. I don't know maybe love is just stupid feeling. When you know that there's something wrong in your relationship and love makes you thinks that everything is just fine and normal. When he hurt you for example, you even apologize for him for his mistakes and it's just because you don't wanna he leave. It's like you can't stand and walk on your own feet while the fact is you always walking on your own feet, on your own step because he never been there even though he is with you.

Or maybe it's not love either. Maybe it's just loneliness. You just wanna be with someone so you will be warm along the winter, there are someone's fingers between your palms. You just don't wanna sit alone drinking your morning coffee in the kitchen before going to work. You just don't wanna be single when you have to attend your friend's wedding. You just don't wanna be alone in your room watching movies and eating popcorn when it's raining weekend, you want someone to be next to you so you can hug him when the thunders hit the sky loudly and shake your window.

Or whatever it is, this kind of someone will leave you or you have to leave him anyway. You or he will realize that all things are just forced and make tired of both of you. You both has to swallow the bitter fact that the relationship should be ended. It can be a sweet goodbye or hard and rough quarelling. However, both ways are gonna be onions for your eyes and create painful tears. Maybe after that, you will loose you life, it is like you have nothing to live for. You just wanna be in your room crying and crying. You don't wanna meet the sun. And I know how that feeling is. I know it very well.

Again and Again!

We fight AGAIN!

Aku nggak ngerti aja, apa yang sebenarnya terjadi between us. Tapi selalu aja berantem. Oke, awalnya karena aku terlalu panik dan tertekan buat kenalin kamu sama orangtuaku. Tapi kenapa juga kamu jadi balik marah dan selalu bad mood sama aku?? Kenapa jadi sering banget HP nggak aktif, meskipun alasannya karena kamu gak punya charger. Bukannya dari dulu kamu juga gak punya charger??

Malam ini juga, aku telpon baik-baik malah kamu bentak-bentak aku, alasan karena bangun tidur. Aku gak bisa dengar jelas suara kamu, aku minta ulangin malah kamu bentakin aku. Kenapa sih?

Aku itu cuma pengen pacaran normal aja? Kenapa sih aku sebagai cewek kamu ga pernah sekalipun kamu ijinkan marah tapi tetap dapat perhatian kamu? Aku pengen juga dimanjain, diperhatiin kalau marah. Kenapa harus selalu aku yang perlakuin kamu kayak gitu??? Kenapa bukan kamu yang perlakuin aku seperti itu???

Aku capek! Aku bosan!

Harus selalu nurutin kamu, nurutin aturan kamu, nurutin mood kamu. Kenapa gak berusaha buat aku??? Menyenangkan aku sebagai cewekmu, manjain aku, perhatiin aku? Kejar aku kalau aku marah?? Sekali-kali kan gak pa-pa to? Kenapa selalu aku harus nyesuain sifat cowok kamu?? Kenapa nggak pernah kamu berusaha ngertiin aku dari sisi perempuanku??? SHIT!

What Should I Do?

Hari ini aku mau membereskan pendaftaran wisudaku. Aku berusaha menyelesaikan semua persyaratan. Jadi aku ke kampus dan mendapatkan beberapa formulir yang harus di isi. Tapi sesuatu dalam formulir itu mengagetkan aku. Ada persyaratan yang memerlukan tanda tangan pembimbing, kalau pembimbingku cuma satu tidak masalah, masalahnya adalah pembimbingku ada dua, yang satu available dan satu sudah berpesan sejak aku selesai sidang ujian bahwa dia tidak akan available. Aku memang sudah mendapatkan tanda tangan untuk beberapa persyaratan langsung setelah sidang. Tapi aku tidak tahu bahwa ada formulir lain yang memerlukan tanda tangan beliau. Aaaaakkkkkk! Pusiiiiing!

Tapi, hari ini aku bertemu dia yang aku ceritakan kemarin itu. Aku kasih panggilan si baik aja deh. Si baik tadi mau kuliah. Terus kita ketemu di kafe kampus, tidak cuma berdua, ada beberapa teman lain juga sih. Tapi aku mencoba menanyakan hatiku saja, apa benar aku suka sama dia. Pas kebetulan dia duduk di depanku. Yeah, aku biasa saja sih melihatnya. I mean, my heartbeat was normal tadi. Dan aku juga biasa saja waktu dia asik mengobrol sama yang lain dan aku menikmati percakapan itu, meskipun aku tidak ambil bagian. Beberapa kali dia mencoba membuat percakapan denganku seperti yang biasa dia lakukan kalau ada orang yang diam waktu lagi ketemuan ramai-ramai seperti tadi. Dia selalu membuat orang lain merasa nyaman memang. And that's nice. I like his attention to people. Jadi mungkin aku memang menyukai dia. Mungkin aku hanya merasa terlalu senang dan nyaman saja kemarin waktu liburan itu bukan rasa suka bahkan jatuh cinta.

Yah, mungkin karena aku sudah lama juga tidak bertemu pacarku, hampir satu tahun. Lalu waktu libur kemarin semua berpasangan kecuali aku, dia dan satu teman lagi. Mungkin aku terlalu senang dan nyaman, ada yang bisa aku pegang waktu aku keluar dari air dan dia selalu nyelamatin aku dari ketakutan tenggelamku.

Toh, aku tahu betapa dia mencintai pacarnya sendiri. Meskipun sekarang mereka sedang putus hubungan karena beberapa hal dan aku pun sangat menyayangi pacarku sendiri yang sudah aku kenal dan aku menyukai semua tentang dia. Semua. Maksudku, dengan si baik ini aku hanya menyukainya saat dia membuatku nyaman dan memperhatikan aku. Namun saat dia dengan kehidupannya yang lain, dengan sifat-sifat dia yang lain, dengan sahabat-sahabatnya yang lain yang aku tidak kenal, aku tidak begitu menyukainya. :)